I want you to want me

Posted in Uncategorized on July 12, 2011 by tobetopless

With the help of my therapist I came to the conclusion that I have never felt truly wanted by anyone until my boyfriend came along. And I don’t mean that in a sexual manner, I just mean wanted. I have very rarely felt throughout my life that I wasn’t a burden and that people just wanted to be around me. Not my parents, not any of my family, not any of my friends. I don’t think I deserve to be wanted, but I still would like to be wanted. I know this is mostly all in my head but it’s a feeling I’m having a really hard time shaking. Therapy was really hard today because I realized just how much my parents, especially my mom, never gave me but I needed and wanted. I always felt needed in my household growing up, but I never felt wanted. I feel even less wanted now that I’m not in the house and my parents get along better. I was pissed off this weekend. I was prepared for them to disappoint me by just not showing to the boy’s concert when they said they would. But they did come, I had no service, the first place they checked wasn’t right so instead of trying to find it they sit down to eat. After the show I go find them, and they had wandered stores for a bit. They said hi to the boy and his family, gave me a birthday cookie, which sucked by the way, and then they left saying they would see me the next day around noon to drop off my patio set. Noon comes, I call dads cell, no answer. It’s then I realize that they have already driven all the way home, they dropped off my furniture while I was gone. And they didn’t even let me know. I thought I had to leave the festival town at a certain time because I had to meet with my parents. I was hoping that maybe they wanted to see me on my actual birthday, but they couldn’t think of a reason to stay in town. My own parents don’t want to spend time with me, don’t want to really get to know the guy I’ve been with for over a year. I’ve always felt like dirt because if my own parents don’t want to spend time with me, who does. But the boyfriend does. He makes that very clear. Sometimes that’s annoying to me, but mostly it’s reassuring.

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I want to share with you.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 4, 2011 by tobetopless
Lisa Ling

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*I am loving Our America with Lisa Ling. I feel like she’s real, but withholds judgement. Anywho, lots of interesting subjects have been covered. Check it out!

*I definitely relate to this right now, I’m sneezing like crazy!

* Lucky Bat Books: A independent publisher devoted to authors and artists getting their work out there and getting all the money. Every service provided, from editing to cover art, is a one time fee. No royalties. They can get your work published on e-books, or in print, or both. And yes, you could do this yourself, but it takes time, and with a growing press, you have a growing reputation behind your work. It’s the new movement in publishing. Check it out.

*Ever wondered if drag queens think differently than you? Well, read the lovely blog of Miss Ginger Devine and find out. She’s funny, thoughtful, and just plain old awesome. Read it.

That’s all for now, thank you for letting me share!

Books, Depression, Loved

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 1, 2011 by tobetopless
Hugo Rheinhold's Affe mit Schädel (by Darwin M...

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Let’s see here, I have a migraine, I feel guilty for accidentally missing my therapy session yesterday, I’m pissed off at work because I sent my schedule two days ago and called to make sure my supervisor got it (she wasn’t in the office) was told she’d call me back in a few, and that she wanted me to come in on Thursday or Friday, today is Thursday, tomorrow is Friday and I don’t know when to come in, or when I’ll start training, and I have this really bad feeling that I’m never going to get a call from her, and I’ll be back where I started with no job. On the bright side, I got back on the Effexor XR today, which means in a couple weeks I should have some of my patience back, and be less easily made to cry. Also hoping it will help me control my hunger again because I’ve gained almost ten lbs since I’ve been off it.

I got a free book from GoodReads giveaways called The Provence Cure for the Broken Hearted, and so far I really like the characters, especially the flashbacks. I’m also reading the Scandalous Journey of Dr. Lumumba, which is getting rather tedious, it’s about these chimps who have been taught religion, and one goes back to his orginal home in Africa and tries to teach the other chimps about Jesus. But one of the other chimps had been in experiments too, and was completely against religion, and wants to prove his nephew wrong, and his theory is that the human race only made religion to protect themselves from the extreme force that is orgasm. At first it was an amusing book, especially knowing that people have complained about it being too sexual, and Dr. Lumumba is saying that the human problem is that they are too uptight about sex. But, now, it’s kind of like, “get on with it”. I, personally am uptight with sex in my own life, but I truly don’t mind it in books, I don’t mind porn, I don’t think less of people who don’t have an ounce of prude in them (unless they prove unable to handle themselves) but this Chimps just goes on and on about Orgasm being the glue of the world. And he does it in such a pretentious and too scientific words way. I’m kind of sick of it. I’ll finish it, but I have started The Provence Cure for the Brokenhearted to help me through. Also, started reading the new Sarah Vowell book last nigh, The Wordy Shipmate. It’s about the religious, freedom, and prudish beginnings of the US, and all the things we think we knew, never knew, and got wrong or right. She’s a very intersting writer, funny, and makes history more interesting than any of your high school history teachers ever did. I strongly recommend her, and let me tell you that I was never a fan of history classes.

I started babysitting a new, 2 year old client last week, and her mother did a writing workshop with my roommate today and told me that the little girl adores me, which I always love to hear.

More and more all I can think about is my future home, decorating it, fixing it, gardening, cooking, and raising kids. But it seems so far away.

Fwd: The Wound With No Name

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 31, 2011 by tobetopless

My favorite website, Psychology Today had a blog on it today that I felt explained how I feel often. So, go read it. The Wound With No Name.

First day of hating my new place of employment.

Posted in Uncategorized on March 29, 2011 by tobetopless

I already hate my new job. I thought I was just going in to fill out paperwork, so I skipped the coffee to not waste time. But I’m the only on there dressed presentably, and after we fill out our paperwork and are given our nametags we’re expected to clean, and organize, I’m asked to give an estimate on some wood work I said I’d do. How was I not informed that I was expected to stay and work? I wasn’t in work mind set, I felt overwelmed just giving an estimate because I didn’t expect to do such a thing today…I didn’t expect to have to anything but the actual work, I’ve never had to estimate a job…well, once in one of my tech classes. I just was so thrown off, that anything that could have happened there today would have just been ugly. Luckily, she understood that somehow I didn’t get the working memo, and didn’t seem to be upset that I had to leave because I had a babysitting job. Didn’t mention that I didn’t have to babysit until 4:45pm. Gah!!! I don’t want to go back until the place is actually opened. I applied as a cashier, not a day laborer.

Today’s blah blah.

Posted in Uncategorized on March 28, 2011 by tobetopless

I don’t actually know that I have anything to write, but I’ve been online all day doing nothing but playing facebook games, so I felt like perhaps I’d feel a bit more productive if I wrote. I know, you’re probably saying, “if you want to feel productive get your ass up and off the computer.” Yeah, but I don’t feel like it, so get off my case. I’ll get off the computer when the boyfriend calls to say the are done with band practice.

So, like I said in my last very short post, I got a job. I still don’t know all the details. It sounds like I’m going to be working graveyard, taking people’s money after they fill up their coffee cups. I don’t know if I have a uniform, or just a dress code. I don’t know what I get paid yet. On top of the cashier job, my new boss saw that I have experience as a carpenter and if going to get me side job fixing up these wooden trays they have that need to be refinished. I can’t wait to have money again, a new cell phone, new clothes, a computer of my own, and eventually my own place to live.

Oh, so I weighed myself for the first time in a couple months on Friday. I was back up to 123lbs. I’ve been eating a lot since I’ve been off my antidepressants, because food kind of makes me happy, for a moment. I like the flavors. Flavors make me happy, food doesn’t. But anyway, I’ve been turning to food when I’m feeling down, so I’m gaining weight. So, it’s back to counting calories to make sure I’m not sitting on 2000 calories a day. Sure it might be the recommended caloric intake on all American food stuffs, but one will by no means lose weight on 2000 calorie diet, and if they are sedentary, like I am, it’s a full 400 or so calories more than I can burn a day. But, hopefully, with a job I’ll be moving about more, and I should be getting back on the antidepressants beginning of next month, and that will help me not need good tastes as much. Plus, another hopefully, I’ll be getting free coffee and tea from work, both of which have caffeine, which ups metabolism. Oh!!! and with a job at a resort, spa, casino, they are bound to have a gym, and I’d hope that they let employees use it for free. Then I won’t even have to join a gym. I really hope that having a full time job will be a way to restart my life because I have been frozen here in this immobile place of lazy, self loathing, feeling like a failure, but perhaps being able to help support the boy while they are touring will make me feel like I’m actually doing something right.

Can I confide in you? I don’t know why I haven’t been able to tell him, but the boyfriend often has bad breath, and it makes me hesitant to kiss him. Also, last night I was having this big doubt in my mind that I wasn’t sure if I really loved him. I’m attracted to other guys bodies more than his. He’s a sweet heart, and I want all good things for him, and he wants all good things for me, but if there is no passion there…is that okay? I keep thinking about all the hot guys I’ve had sex with in the past, and that turns me on, but I don’t get turned on with him. Then again, after my first love and I had sex the first couple time I didn’t really get much turned on by him either, and he was my ideal body type. I feel like a bitch just for thinking these things.

I want to drink tonight. I don’t know why though, I never feel better just by drinking. But I want to drink anyway, but I don’t have much money, and I really don’t like the way beer tastes, or the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel full, and heavy, and usually sad, and irritable. I just need to buy a bottle of rum, or mmm, cherry vodka and some diet coke.

Done, that’s my “blah, blah, blah” for today.

Employed

Posted in Uncategorized on March 28, 2011 by tobetopless

Even with all my resistance and dislike of the job hunt, I have finally gotten hired in Nevada, the state with highest unemployment rate. It’s a simple job, cashiering at a coffee shop inside a casino, but it’s full time which means benefits after a few months, and it’s money.