Fwd: The Wound With No Name

My favorite website, Psychology Today had a blog on it today that I felt explained how I feel often. So, go read it. The Wound With No Name.

Things I’m Thinking About

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• A father does not seem like a great thing to equate God to. At least not the loving God I’m told about by Evangelical Christians. Perhaps I just don’t believe that “father” is actually a word we can actually characterize. Some fathers care, some don’t. Some abuse, some don’t. Some are smart, some stupid. Some exist, others seem to be imaginary. Never mind, “father” is the perfect word to describe what I think of God, but I don’t think it really implies what, as an ex-Christian, I was taught about God. I feel like by calling a god our father it’s just another way to say “don’t question him, just follow him” because that’s what societies have been teaching for years, that you don’t question your father, you just follow him, abide by him, acknowledge that he owns you. Maybe it’s just the feminist in me that doesn’t agree that men should rule the world, but sees that our society lets men rule the world. I see a lot of bad from men ruling the world, therefore, to equate a god to the essential male ruler that keeps women in check….well, it doesn’t make me want to follow him.
• There is a song I love when I’m depressed because it seems to really describe what I’m feeling. It just so happens that this song is a Christian song about Jesus taking care of you even when you don’t see it. I take the Jesus idea out of it, throw it away, and I’m left with this song. What do you think?  “Lord I’m tired, so tired from walking. And Lord, I’m so alone. And Lord the dark is creeping in, it’s creeping up to swallow me. I think I’ll stop and rest here a while. (skip the chorus) And didn’t you see me crying? And didn’t you hear me calling your name? Wasn’t it you I gave my heart to? I wish you’d remember where you sat it down. (skip chorus) I didn’t notice you were standing there. I didn’t know that that was you holding me. I didn’t notice you were crying too. I didn’t know that that was you washing my feet.” Why must I direct these words towards the Lord? In my version “you” refers to my rational self, the self I won’t listen to when I’m in my pits. Depression makes me tired, and I feel like I’m being swallowed by the dark, and I do not mean sin dark, I just mean unhappy dark, and it leaves me feeling like all I can do is stop and rest for a while. And I cry and I ask myself to snap out of it, to connect with rational, to see the good things and let those effect me. And you know what, my rational self never leaves, I’m not two people, I’m only one, and you know who it is in me that’s is doing the crying out for help? The rational one who knows that to just leave myself be in negativity is not going to do anyone any good, me, my friends, my loved ones, my cat.
• I have been off of Effexor ER for almost a week now. There are some weird side effects. One that I started to notice yesterday is this weird delay in time. You know Daphne from the show Heroes? She’s the speedster. Well, take the blur behind her, and the sound of her whooshing past you, and then place those two things in your head every couple of minutes. It’s like time is going slow, at depression speed, and then all of sudden you wake up to real time, or maybe even accelerated time, and then within a millisecond you’re back to slow depression time. It’s really distracting, and the weird thing is that it happens with my eyes closed too, only along with the blur and whoosh, there’s that flash of light like one of your synapses is firing, but at super speed. It causes a bit of dizziness as well. And all lights seem too bright. The night sweats I’ve been having since I started taking Effexor seem to be amplified right now which is leading to horrible sleep. Sounds are amplified too. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle the boyfriend’s band playing tonight.
• It’s St. Patrick’s Day and I love corned beef and cabbage. Nom nom nom. I went to the boyfriend’s job, where their special was corned beef and cabbage and red potatoes and boiled carrot(the only good way to eat carrots by the way). They gave me a butter knife to cut my meat, which with corned beef really should be enough, but the butter knife was not sharp enough and I had to make a special request with the boyfriend for a sharper knife. His boss came by and gave me a coupon for a free sandwich because the beef was too tough. Yay! Free sandwich. Also, they don’t usually do red potatoes at this place, and I happened to still be eating when their special ended, so I got sent home with a bunch of cooker red potatoes for free!

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Job. Life. Fuck.

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I want to give up on life today. I started thinking about the job market yesterday and realized that I’m not qualified for anything. And I hate lying to sell myself. I know I could learn any fucking job entry level job in a matter of a couple training sessions, but I can’t say that in a job interview. I’m not allowed to be myself in a job interview, which is honest. I would like to be able to walk in and say “Hi, I’m (insert my name, which I hope you don’t know). I know I don’t have any background, or very little background in your business, but I’m smarter than a monkey and can learn very quickly anything you’d like me to do around here. I don’t really like people, but I’m good at pretending I care. The bonus to that is that I don’t make friends on the job, which means I’m rarely distracted from my job. That’s not to say that I make enemies, I would say that in all my work experience I have never met one person who hated me or who I hated. I know how to cooperate, but I’m not going to be unfair because of bias. I will fulfill your requirements once hired without complaint unless you are acting outside of what is right in which case I will bring it up with you, not someone else, unless you continue to be unreasonable, in which case I will bring it up to your superior. I ask questions when confused instead of bullshiting my way around them and potentially fucking stuff up. I’m not concerned with making you think I’m amazing, I’m concerned with getting my job done the way it is supposed to be done in the time I’m alloted to do it. As much as I don’t like people, I do like to show off my knowledge, so I tend to be very helpful because helping is a way to show someone I know what they need me to know. All I want is to be told what to do, given the proper items and time in which to do it, and to get paid for it. No, I’m not excited to work for your company, you’re a big chain drug store, who is really going to be excited to work for you? But I’m looking forward to getting paid. What were my accomplishments at other jobs? I accomplished making my superiors like me because I got my job done while most other people in a job they don’t want and don’t plan to stay at will half ass their way through. I think that’s an accomplishment. Where do I see myself in 5 years? Not here, that would be ridiculous, and no I don’t have ambitions to rise to your position or above because I’d rather not be stuck working for a drug store for the rest of my life. In five years I see myself as a mother, probably working some other random job to make ends meet until I get sick of that job, or they become unwilling to work with my schedule.” But that doesn’t get anyone a job. Why do I want a job? I don’t want a job, but what the fuck else am I going to do? I can’t stay here living on another family’s dime for the rest of my life, and my boyfriend isn’t going to be able to support me in any way while he’s touring with his band, and I sure as hell do not want to go live with my parents again. Truth be told, I’d rather be dead than to have to find a job. Yes, that is where I am right now. I want to be dead. I don’t have any goals or ambitions that seem anywhere within the realm of realistic. I just want to die and for it all to be over. I want to give up entirely. I’ve been getting more and more apathetic. Anymore, I don’t even know if I want kids because they are so tiring. I don’t know if I want to get married because here I am not wanting a real job, I’d like to be a housewife, and if at some point I need to get a job, and can’t, will my husband hate me? Will he hold it against me that I don’t want to get a job? Will taking care of the house be enough? I have no ambition, so, what use am I? None. I’d be better off dead. Of course I can’t off myself because I know that socially it’s a hassle for the people who have to clean it up, the person who finds me, the family members and friends who feel responsible, the hurt I’d cause to anyone who actually cares about me. I’d just be putting more of a burden on everyone else. Maybe I could just catch a deadly disease. Then, because I don’t have insurance I wouldn’t be able to take care of it, and I’d die, but no one could blame me or themselves (especially if they don’t support tax supported health care for all), and no one would have to deal with me anymore. Sure it would cause a bit of sadness, but no more than my natural death would cause, or an accidental death. Really what I want is to just dissolve, but that isn’t actually possible. Damn reality. Some people would tell me that I’m being ridiculous, that it’s just depression rearing it’s ugly head, but did you know that studies show that depressed people don’t actually see things worse than they actually are, they see things, especially about themselves, more realistically than non-depressed people. I’m the realistic one, and realistically I see that there is really no reason for me to live. Fuck.

Oh, I’ll be this kind of happy for a while too, because I don’t have $145 to refill my prescription for 30 days, and I still don’t have an appointment with a psychiatrist at the Northern Nevada Mental Health Clinic, so I’m pretty sure that they won’t refill my prescription. I tried calling them, but no one I needed to talk to was there. I’ll be going down there tomorrow to see my psychologist, who sadly does not have the ability to prescribe anything, so I guess I’ll find out who to hunt down tomorrow. If I do find the right person, and they can give me a prescription refill before they set up an appointment with psychiatrist for me, then I’ll still have to wait until at least Thursday to pick it up. So, they next three days are going to be fun, and I’m very interested to see what happens in my appointment with the psychologist tomorrow.

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Full

Today is day one of my asking myself every time I do something if it will help me lose weight. If the answer is yes then I will do it, if the answer is no then I won’t. So, taking a walk today was a yes, so I did it. Eating chocolates was a no, so I stopped that. Drinking water is a yes, protein is a yes….I know that if I stick to this it could be dangerous, and to be honest I kind of want it to get to that level. I wasn’t made to be thin, but I want to be thin. I don’t want to be disgusted when I see myself in pictures. I don’t want to be at burning man and feel like I have to change into something more covering because I feel like I’m overflowing my clothes. I know I’m at a “healthy” weight, but it doesn’t feel like a pretty weight. I know I’m not ugly, but I’m not pretty.  I’ve still got a bulging belly, and love handles, I’ve still got arms that jiggle, and thighs that rub together and chaff if I wear skirts or shorts.

I hate that it take so much fucking time to lose weight, and it’s so easy to put it on. Well, it’s easy for me. My roommate has been underweight her entire life. Gaining weight is really hard for her. She doesn’t want to be as thin as she is, she eats high calorie foods, she gets excited if she has gained two pounds. I hate that it’s so easy for me to put on weight and so hard to get it off.

I’m supposed to go to a birthday party tonight, most of the other attendees are going to be in their 40s, or under 13. There is going to be lots of food, lots of alcohol. I don’t want to go, I want to stay safe in my own little room. I want to go on another hour long walk. I want to watch movies that make me cry. But I know I can’t close myself off from people, no matter how many anti depressants I take, if I close myself off from people I will spiral downwards.

Okay, I need to change my mindset right now. I’m going to take a bath, get ready for the party, make myself feel as pretty as I can. Breathe in, breathe out.

Want To Be A Martyr? Be My Friend

I tried to go to sleep but I couldn’t. I feel a complete loss of hope. I am just so mad at ex best friend. God, you’d think by now I’d be over it, it’s been two months since we got in a fight. And we’ve supposedly made up, but it doesn’t feel like it.

I am really bad at making true friends, at opening up, being truly vulnerable. I keep myself at a distance from other people, mostly because I figure that’s what they’d prefer. He told me that I didn’t have to do that. That I could call any time, that I could be myself. I somehow learned to let myself be vulnerable with him, and then he proved exactly what I thought, that if I was myself with someone, that if I opened up, they would resent me, feel like I was a burden, but they’d pretend they didn’t feel that way until they could no longer hide it. Seriously, what he did to me was exactly what I had always believed would happen, and people have always told me I’m being silly thinking that, but then, then it happened. I have the proof that people don’t actually want to be friends with me, they just prefer not to have confrontations. I let myself believe in real true friends, and then was shown there is no such thing, and now I’m lonely as hell. And I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss the friendship I thought we had, and I now know it never existed, and I now know not to try it again. I don’t want to be resented. My first thought, laying down, was “oh god, I should back off on trying to be friends with So-and-so. I don’t want him to resent me. I bet he’s lying when he says he’s not mad at me after rehearsal. Oh god, I need to stop letting people take care of me, it’s just going to cause a bunch of people to hate me.” But I want friends, people who care enough to want to take care of me, but I don’t want to be a burden anymore. I don’t ever want to be told I’m a burden ever again. So what do I do? I’m human, I need people, but I’m afraid that by needing people, I’ll never have anyone around me.

I hate you for letting me believe we were friends, for convincing me that it was okay to be vulnerable with you, and then for holding it against me proving that we never were friends and that you lied to me all along. I hate you for caring and being mad at me for the fact that you care. I hate you for letting me fall in love with you, for letting me open up my heart to you, for letting me accept you as family and then treating me like the kind of family you couldn’t choose, the kind that you’re obligated to. I hate you for not even being able to tell me that the reason you said you were busy when I was going to pack up my apartment even though you knew I was going to do it alone otherwise, was that you felt like helping me was a trigger for a mood switch. I hate that you pretend we’re friends when we see each other, but pretend I don’t exist otherwise. I hate you for making me not trust you when I wanted to so badly, when I did trust you, more than anyone else. I hate you for reinforcing my self doubt in action, while telling me not to doubt myself in word. I hate you for wanting me to promise you that I’d take care of myself when you don’t want to have any part in my well being. I hate you for making me hate myself for letting you into my life. I hate you for being the one person I hate and love. I hate you for telling me what I wanted to hear instead of the truth. I hate that you felt like a martyr or something for being my “friend”. I’m sorry my friendship was a punishment for a whole fucking year. I am so sorry I made you feel like you had to put up a false front.

Being my friend must be hard shit. It’s what my mom always told me. I don’t ever want to force someone to be my friend again. I don’t ever want to make friends again. But I also don’t want to be lonely. So what do I do? What do I do?