I want you to want me

With the help of my therapist I came to the conclusion that I have never felt truly wanted by anyone until my boyfriend came along. And I don’t mean that in a sexual manner, I just mean wanted. I have very rarely felt throughout my life that I wasn’t a burden and that people just wanted to be around me. Not my parents, not any of my family, not any of my friends. I don’t think I deserve to be wanted, but I still would like to be wanted. I know this is mostly all in my head but it’s a feeling I’m having a really hard time shaking. Therapy was really hard today because I realized just how much my parents, especially my mom, never gave me but I needed and wanted. I always felt needed in my household growing up, but I never felt wanted. I feel even less wanted now that I’m not in the house and my parents get along better. I was pissed off this weekend. I was prepared for them to disappoint me by just not showing to the boy’s concert when they said they would. But they did come, I had no service, the first place they checked wasn’t right so instead of trying to find it they sit down to eat. After the show I go find them, and they had wandered stores for a bit. They said hi to the boy and his family, gave me a birthday cookie, which sucked by the way, and then they left saying they would see me the next day around noon to drop off my patio set. Noon comes, I call dads cell, no answer. It’s then I realize that they have already driven all the way home, they dropped off my furniture while I was gone. And they didn’t even let me know. I thought I had to leave the festival town at a certain time because I had to meet with my parents. I was hoping that maybe they wanted to see me on my actual birthday, but they couldn’t think of a reason to stay in town. My own parents don’t want to spend time with me, don’t want to really get to know the guy I’ve been with for over a year. I’ve always felt like dirt because if my own parents don’t want to spend time with me, who does. But the boyfriend does. He makes that very clear. Sometimes that’s annoying to me, but mostly it’s reassuring.

I want to share with you.

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*I am loving Our America with Lisa Ling. I feel like she’s real, but withholds judgement. Anywho, lots of interesting subjects have been covered. Check it out!

*I definitely relate to this right now, I’m sneezing like crazy!

* Lucky Bat Books: A independent publisher devoted to authors and artists getting their work out there and getting all the money. Every service provided, from editing to cover art, is a one time fee. No royalties. They can get your work published on e-books, or in print, or both. And yes, you could do this yourself, but it takes time, and with a growing press, you have a growing reputation behind your work. It’s the new movement in publishing. Check it out.

*Ever wondered if drag queens think differently than you? Well, read the lovely blog of Miss Ginger Devine and find out. She’s funny, thoughtful, and just plain old awesome. Read it.

That’s all for now, thank you for letting me share!

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Books, Depression, Loved

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Let’s see here, I have a migraine, I feel guilty for accidentally missing my therapy session yesterday, I’m pissed off at work because I sent my schedule two days ago and called to make sure my supervisor got it (she wasn’t in the office) was told she’d call me back in a few, and that she wanted me to come in on Thursday or Friday, today is Thursday, tomorrow is Friday and I don’t know when to come in, or when I’ll start training, and I have this really bad feeling that I’m never going to get a call from her, and I’ll be back where I started with no job. On the bright side, I got back on the Effexor XR today, which means in a couple weeks I should have some of my patience back, and be less easily made to cry. Also hoping it will help me control my hunger again because I’ve gained almost ten lbs since I’ve been off it.

I got a free book from GoodReads giveaways called The Provence Cure for the Broken Hearted, and so far I really like the characters, especially the flashbacks. I’m also reading the Scandalous Journey of Dr. Lumumba, which is getting rather tedious, it’s about these chimps who have been taught religion, and one goes back to his orginal home in Africa and tries to teach the other chimps about Jesus. But one of the other chimps had been in experiments too, and was completely against religion, and wants to prove his nephew wrong, and his theory is that the human race only made religion to protect themselves from the extreme force that is orgasm. At first it was an amusing book, especially knowing that people have complained about it being too sexual, and Dr. Lumumba is saying that the human problem is that they are too uptight about sex. But, now, it’s kind of like, “get on with it”. I, personally am uptight with sex in my own life, but I truly don’t mind it in books, I don’t mind porn, I don’t think less of people who don’t have an ounce of prude in them (unless they prove unable to handle themselves) but this Chimps just goes on and on about Orgasm being the glue of the world. And he does it in such a pretentious and too scientific words way. I’m kind of sick of it. I’ll finish it, but I have started The Provence Cure for the Brokenhearted to help me through. Also, started reading the new Sarah Vowell book last nigh, The Wordy Shipmate. It’s about the religious, freedom, and prudish beginnings of the US, and all the things we think we knew, never knew, and got wrong or right. She’s a very intersting writer, funny, and makes history more interesting than any of your high school history teachers ever did. I strongly recommend her, and let me tell you that I was never a fan of history classes.

I started babysitting a new, 2 year old client last week, and her mother did a writing workshop with my roommate today and told me that the little girl adores me, which I always love to hear.

More and more all I can think about is my future home, decorating it, fixing it, gardening, cooking, and raising kids. But it seems so far away.

Fwd: The Wound With No Name

My favorite website, Psychology Today had a blog on it today that I felt explained how I feel often. So, go read it. The Wound With No Name.

First day of hating my new place of employment.

I already hate my new job. I thought I was just going in to fill out paperwork, so I skipped the coffee to not waste time. But I’m the only on there dressed presentably, and after we fill out our paperwork and are given our nametags we’re expected to clean, and organize, I’m asked to give an estimate on some wood work I said I’d do. How was I not informed that I was expected to stay and work? I wasn’t in work mind set, I felt overwelmed just giving an estimate because I didn’t expect to do such a thing today…I didn’t expect to have to anything but the actual work, I’ve never had to estimate a job…well, once in one of my tech classes. I just was so thrown off, that anything that could have happened there today would have just been ugly. Luckily, she understood that somehow I didn’t get the working memo, and didn’t seem to be upset that I had to leave because I had a babysitting job. Didn’t mention that I didn’t have to babysit until 4:45pm. Gah!!! I don’t want to go back until the place is actually opened. I applied as a cashier, not a day laborer.

Today’s blah blah.

I don’t actually know that I have anything to write, but I’ve been online all day doing nothing but playing facebook games, so I felt like perhaps I’d feel a bit more productive if I wrote. I know, you’re probably saying, “if you want to feel productive get your ass up and off the computer.” Yeah, but I don’t feel like it, so get off my case. I’ll get off the computer when the boyfriend calls to say the are done with band practice.

So, like I said in my last very short post, I got a job. I still don’t know all the details. It sounds like I’m going to be working graveyard, taking people’s money after they fill up their coffee cups. I don’t know if I have a uniform, or just a dress code. I don’t know what I get paid yet. On top of the cashier job, my new boss saw that I have experience as a carpenter and if going to get me side job fixing up these wooden trays they have that need to be refinished. I can’t wait to have money again, a new cell phone, new clothes, a computer of my own, and eventually my own place to live.

Oh, so I weighed myself for the first time in a couple months on Friday. I was back up to 123lbs. I’ve been eating a lot since I’ve been off my antidepressants, because food kind of makes me happy, for a moment. I like the flavors. Flavors make me happy, food doesn’t. But anyway, I’ve been turning to food when I’m feeling down, so I’m gaining weight. So, it’s back to counting calories to make sure I’m not sitting on 2000 calories a day. Sure it might be the recommended caloric intake on all American food stuffs, but one will by no means lose weight on 2000 calorie diet, and if they are sedentary, like I am, it’s a full 400 or so calories more than I can burn a day. But, hopefully, with a job I’ll be moving about more, and I should be getting back on the antidepressants beginning of next month, and that will help me not need good tastes as much. Plus, another hopefully, I’ll be getting free coffee and tea from work, both of which have caffeine, which ups metabolism. Oh!!! and with a job at a resort, spa, casino, they are bound to have a gym, and I’d hope that they let employees use it for free. Then I won’t even have to join a gym. I really hope that having a full time job will be a way to restart my life because I have been frozen here in this immobile place of lazy, self loathing, feeling like a failure, but perhaps being able to help support the boy while they are touring will make me feel like I’m actually doing something right.

Can I confide in you? I don’t know why I haven’t been able to tell him, but the boyfriend often has bad breath, and it makes me hesitant to kiss him. Also, last night I was having this big doubt in my mind that I wasn’t sure if I really loved him. I’m attracted to other guys bodies more than his. He’s a sweet heart, and I want all good things for him, and he wants all good things for me, but if there is no passion there…is that okay? I keep thinking about all the hot guys I’ve had sex with in the past, and that turns me on, but I don’t get turned on with him. Then again, after my first love and I had sex the first couple time I didn’t really get much turned on by him either, and he was my ideal body type. I feel like a bitch just for thinking these things.

I want to drink tonight. I don’t know why though, I never feel better just by drinking. But I want to drink anyway, but I don’t have much money, and I really don’t like the way beer tastes, or the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel full, and heavy, and usually sad, and irritable. I just need to buy a bottle of rum, or mmm, cherry vodka and some diet coke.

Done, that’s my “blah, blah, blah” for today.

Employed

Even with all my resistance and dislike of the job hunt, I have finally gotten hired in Nevada, the state with highest unemployment rate. It’s a simple job, cashiering at a coffee shop inside a casino, but it’s full time which means benefits after a few months, and it’s money.

Everything ends in death.

Last night I found out that a friend’s brother killed himself recently. While I feel sorry for her and her family, I feel extremely jealous of her brother, that he was able to do it. I can’t do it. I want to do it, I want it all to end, but I can’t. Everything hurts emotionally right now. I don’t know how, but the roommate and I started talking about job hunting again, which I’m really not putting my heart into right now. Every once in a while I send out an application, or a resume and some bullshit cover letter. Anyway, I feel guilt whenever she talks to me about it because obviously my not having a job puts more weight on her family’s shoulders since they let me live with them and eat with them for free. She told me, I don’t have to find a job, but maybe take this time when I don’t have anything else weighing me down and just use the time to really figure out what I want to do and how to do it. But I don’t want to do anything, and making lists of dreams and goal just makes me feel all the more helpless to ever get there. She said, “isn’t there anything you can do that will seperate your mind from your emotions right now?” No, because everything implies something else, every though implies an action, and every action is attached to an emotion. I don’t have a brain right now. If I think of something positive I slap it down because I feel guilty for having thought of something good. If I think of something bad I feel guilty because I shouldn’t be negative. If I try to plan, I feel guilty for expecting something from life. If I don’t plan I feel guilty for giving up on life. If I talk to someone, it always tends to lead to something that makes me feel either inferior or superior. If I feel inferior I feel like I should be dead. If I feel superior I feel like a pompous ass and then I feel guilty, and then I feel inferior and then I feel like I should be dead. If I don’t talk to people, I feel alone, and that leads to all sorts of negative thoughts which makes me want to be dead. Everything leads to thoughts, and all thoughts lead to death. I am so jealous of the people who have the will power to end it all. Sorry.

Guilt, Guilty, Guiltier

Going to therapy (it was my first day of real therapy) and talking about everything I feel guilt about (which happens to be everything) has made me feel guilty.

Things I’m Thinking About

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• A father does not seem like a great thing to equate God to. At least not the loving God I’m told about by Evangelical Christians. Perhaps I just don’t believe that “father” is actually a word we can actually characterize. Some fathers care, some don’t. Some abuse, some don’t. Some are smart, some stupid. Some exist, others seem to be imaginary. Never mind, “father” is the perfect word to describe what I think of God, but I don’t think it really implies what, as an ex-Christian, I was taught about God. I feel like by calling a god our father it’s just another way to say “don’t question him, just follow him” because that’s what societies have been teaching for years, that you don’t question your father, you just follow him, abide by him, acknowledge that he owns you. Maybe it’s just the feminist in me that doesn’t agree that men should rule the world, but sees that our society lets men rule the world. I see a lot of bad from men ruling the world, therefore, to equate a god to the essential male ruler that keeps women in check….well, it doesn’t make me want to follow him.
• There is a song I love when I’m depressed because it seems to really describe what I’m feeling. It just so happens that this song is a Christian song about Jesus taking care of you even when you don’t see it. I take the Jesus idea out of it, throw it away, and I’m left with this song. What do you think?  “Lord I’m tired, so tired from walking. And Lord, I’m so alone. And Lord the dark is creeping in, it’s creeping up to swallow me. I think I’ll stop and rest here a while. (skip the chorus) And didn’t you see me crying? And didn’t you hear me calling your name? Wasn’t it you I gave my heart to? I wish you’d remember where you sat it down. (skip chorus) I didn’t notice you were standing there. I didn’t know that that was you holding me. I didn’t notice you were crying too. I didn’t know that that was you washing my feet.” Why must I direct these words towards the Lord? In my version “you” refers to my rational self, the self I won’t listen to when I’m in my pits. Depression makes me tired, and I feel like I’m being swallowed by the dark, and I do not mean sin dark, I just mean unhappy dark, and it leaves me feeling like all I can do is stop and rest for a while. And I cry and I ask myself to snap out of it, to connect with rational, to see the good things and let those effect me. And you know what, my rational self never leaves, I’m not two people, I’m only one, and you know who it is in me that’s is doing the crying out for help? The rational one who knows that to just leave myself be in negativity is not going to do anyone any good, me, my friends, my loved ones, my cat.
• I have been off of Effexor ER for almost a week now. There are some weird side effects. One that I started to notice yesterday is this weird delay in time. You know Daphne from the show Heroes? She’s the speedster. Well, take the blur behind her, and the sound of her whooshing past you, and then place those two things in your head every couple of minutes. It’s like time is going slow, at depression speed, and then all of sudden you wake up to real time, or maybe even accelerated time, and then within a millisecond you’re back to slow depression time. It’s really distracting, and the weird thing is that it happens with my eyes closed too, only along with the blur and whoosh, there’s that flash of light like one of your synapses is firing, but at super speed. It causes a bit of dizziness as well. And all lights seem too bright. The night sweats I’ve been having since I started taking Effexor seem to be amplified right now which is leading to horrible sleep. Sounds are amplified too. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle the boyfriend’s band playing tonight.
• It’s St. Patrick’s Day and I love corned beef and cabbage. Nom nom nom. I went to the boyfriend’s job, where their special was corned beef and cabbage and red potatoes and boiled carrot(the only good way to eat carrots by the way). They gave me a butter knife to cut my meat, which with corned beef really should be enough, but the butter knife was not sharp enough and I had to make a special request with the boyfriend for a sharper knife. His boss came by and gave me a coupon for a free sandwich because the beef was too tough. Yay! Free sandwich. Also, they don’t usually do red potatoes at this place, and I happened to still be eating when their special ended, so I got sent home with a bunch of cooker red potatoes for free!

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