Things I’m Thinking About

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• A father does not seem like a great thing to equate God to. At least not the loving God I’m told about by Evangelical Christians. Perhaps I just don’t believe that “father” is actually a word we can actually characterize. Some fathers care, some don’t. Some abuse, some don’t. Some are smart, some stupid. Some exist, others seem to be imaginary. Never mind, “father” is the perfect word to describe what I think of God, but I don’t think it really implies what, as an ex-Christian, I was taught about God. I feel like by calling a god our father it’s just another way to say “don’t question him, just follow him” because that’s what societies have been teaching for years, that you don’t question your father, you just follow him, abide by him, acknowledge that he owns you. Maybe it’s just the feminist in me that doesn’t agree that men should rule the world, but sees that our society lets men rule the world. I see a lot of bad from men ruling the world, therefore, to equate a god to the essential male ruler that keeps women in check….well, it doesn’t make me want to follow him.
• There is a song I love when I’m depressed because it seems to really describe what I’m feeling. It just so happens that this song is a Christian song about Jesus taking care of you even when you don’t see it. I take the Jesus idea out of it, throw it away, and I’m left with this song. What do you think?  “Lord I’m tired, so tired from walking. And Lord, I’m so alone. And Lord the dark is creeping in, it’s creeping up to swallow me. I think I’ll stop and rest here a while. (skip the chorus) And didn’t you see me crying? And didn’t you hear me calling your name? Wasn’t it you I gave my heart to? I wish you’d remember where you sat it down. (skip chorus) I didn’t notice you were standing there. I didn’t know that that was you holding me. I didn’t notice you were crying too. I didn’t know that that was you washing my feet.” Why must I direct these words towards the Lord? In my version “you” refers to my rational self, the self I won’t listen to when I’m in my pits. Depression makes me tired, and I feel like I’m being swallowed by the dark, and I do not mean sin dark, I just mean unhappy dark, and it leaves me feeling like all I can do is stop and rest for a while. And I cry and I ask myself to snap out of it, to connect with rational, to see the good things and let those effect me. And you know what, my rational self never leaves, I’m not two people, I’m only one, and you know who it is in me that’s is doing the crying out for help? The rational one who knows that to just leave myself be in negativity is not going to do anyone any good, me, my friends, my loved ones, my cat.
• I have been off of Effexor ER for almost a week now. There are some weird side effects. One that I started to notice yesterday is this weird delay in time. You know Daphne from the show Heroes? She’s the speedster. Well, take the blur behind her, and the sound of her whooshing past you, and then place those two things in your head every couple of minutes. It’s like time is going slow, at depression speed, and then all of sudden you wake up to real time, or maybe even accelerated time, and then within a millisecond you’re back to slow depression time. It’s really distracting, and the weird thing is that it happens with my eyes closed too, only along with the blur and whoosh, there’s that flash of light like one of your synapses is firing, but at super speed. It causes a bit of dizziness as well. And all lights seem too bright. The night sweats I’ve been having since I started taking Effexor seem to be amplified right now which is leading to horrible sleep. Sounds are amplified too. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle the boyfriend’s band playing tonight.
• It’s St. Patrick’s Day and I love corned beef and cabbage. Nom nom nom. I went to the boyfriend’s job, where their special was corned beef and cabbage and red potatoes and boiled carrot(the only good way to eat carrots by the way). They gave me a butter knife to cut my meat, which with corned beef really should be enough, but the butter knife was not sharp enough and I had to make a special request with the boyfriend for a sharper knife. His boss came by and gave me a coupon for a free sandwich because the beef was too tough. Yay! Free sandwich. Also, they don’t usually do red potatoes at this place, and I happened to still be eating when their special ended, so I got sent home with a bunch of cooker red potatoes for free!

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