Baby Elephants Take Over The World

I don’t know why I’m here right now. I mean, I don’t know why I felt the need to open up WordPress.com and start writing. I’m not sure that I have anything to write today. Then again, when do I ever really have something to write? I’ll just do bullet points of what’s going on in my head right now, I suppose.

• I know it’s stupid, but I feel a bit hurt that I didn’t get a goodnight text from the boyfriend last night. He’s out of town, has been since Thursday, and I miss him even more this time because I was supposed to go with him on this trip. He usually texts me goodnight even when he is in town, so I felt a little forgotten.
• Today I weighed myself in at the smallest I’ve been since last December, 115.8 lbs. Which is super exciting to me because I’ve been going back and forth between 118 and 116 for the past month or so, and so it feel like I’ve finally broken through even though it’s not a huge loss. I still need to lose 15-ish pounds, and I really hope that doesn’t take me too long. Last night I was reading articles on intermittent fasting(IF). IF is not anorexia, it’s an on again off again fast, in rodents it is shown to have a lot of health benefits, like a boosted immunity, lower cholesterol, etc. Plus, compared to rodents who had caloric restrictions, in the long run both sets ate around the same calories, but the ones who fasted had less depression and lethargy. I was reading one instance in which someone decided that 6pm every night would be their switching point, and on their eating period they could eat whenever they wanted, as much as they wanted, and then at 6pm they switch to no food until 6pm the next day, that means really that every day you get either breakfast and lunch, or you get dinner, so it would be a 24 hours fast, but it wouldn’t seem like it. The idea behind it is that our ancestors didn’t eat all the time like we do, they ate when food was available and fasted until it was available again. I’m thinking I might try this, maybe for two weeks and see how it goes. Today, right now would be my eating day because I already started taking in calories around 1am because I felt like having an alcoholic beverage. I’ll do a little more research on it today and see if it really is a good idea or not. But it sounds like something I should try since I really like being able to go to a restaurant and eat everything on my plate, and as long as it was in my 24 hour eating period that would be okay.
• I’ve been going on walks for the last couple days, after realizing how long and far I could walk while at Burning Man it’s seems really stupid of me not to walk more places. I mean I can walk downtown in a matter of 30 minutes, if I’m not hurrying I can walk to the boyfriend’s house in 15 minutes, and hell, it feels like it would be a long ways away but I could probably walk to ex best friend’s house in a little over an hour, which isn’t a lot because I walk for about 6 hours straight before I absolutely need to sit down. Hm… I’m thinking maybe I’ll get rid of my car for a week and see if I can do everything I need to do on foot. Some people bike everywhere, but I feel really uncomfortable on a bike, I don’t like it, it makes me frustrated, but I do like walking. [Side note, I always spell “frustrated” wrong, I always want to add an extra “e” between the “t” and the “r”]
• It’s about time I got a fucking job! Tomorrow I’m going to start my search. Not today because Monday’s are bad days when you work, and I don’t want to talk to a manager on a Monday. I hate job hunting. I hate applying. I don’t mind interviewing. If I could just walk into a store and say “I want a job” and they said “let’s chat” and then hired me without me having to write a crap load of stuff down I would love searching for a job. I’ve only ever failed at one interview, and it was vibes, this lady who interviewed me just gave me bad vibes and I didn’t want to work for someone who gave me bad vibes, so I didn’t try too hard to win her over. But I can win over almost anyone if I want to [at least, so far in my experience].

Baby Elephants are cute!!!

Full

Today is day one of my asking myself every time I do something if it will help me lose weight. If the answer is yes then I will do it, if the answer is no then I won’t. So, taking a walk today was a yes, so I did it. Eating chocolates was a no, so I stopped that. Drinking water is a yes, protein is a yes….I know that if I stick to this it could be dangerous, and to be honest I kind of want it to get to that level. I wasn’t made to be thin, but I want to be thin. I don’t want to be disgusted when I see myself in pictures. I don’t want to be at burning man and feel like I have to change into something more covering because I feel like I’m overflowing my clothes. I know I’m at a “healthy” weight, but it doesn’t feel like a pretty weight. I know I’m not ugly, but I’m not pretty.  I’ve still got a bulging belly, and love handles, I’ve still got arms that jiggle, and thighs that rub together and chaff if I wear skirts or shorts.

I hate that it take so much fucking time to lose weight, and it’s so easy to put it on. Well, it’s easy for me. My roommate has been underweight her entire life. Gaining weight is really hard for her. She doesn’t want to be as thin as she is, she eats high calorie foods, she gets excited if she has gained two pounds. I hate that it’s so easy for me to put on weight and so hard to get it off.

I’m supposed to go to a birthday party tonight, most of the other attendees are going to be in their 40s, or under 13. There is going to be lots of food, lots of alcohol. I don’t want to go, I want to stay safe in my own little room. I want to go on another hour long walk. I want to watch movies that make me cry. But I know I can’t close myself off from people, no matter how many anti depressants I take, if I close myself off from people I will spiral downwards.

Okay, I need to change my mindset right now. I’m going to take a bath, get ready for the party, make myself feel as pretty as I can. Breathe in, breathe out.

No picture today

Good thoughts for the day:

• Random good mood, and on a Monday! I woke up at the boyfriend’s house and wasn’t in a great mood at first because I am really not a morning person, but I’ve now gotten over my wake moods, have had a couple cups of coffee, watch the Today Show and am watching the Bonnie Hunt Show.
• I get 4 days of no rehearsal or performance! We opened on Thursday and had a pretty good first weekend. Not huge audiences, but we had good audiences, we even found out that the author came from NY to come see us perform.
• Not last week, but the week before, boyfriend said the forbidden words….I love you. Yup. He came to pick me up from rehearsal and I told him to stop worrying about me driving on my sprained ankle and he said “I love you too much to stop worrying….(sigh) see, I knew I was going to be the first to slip.” Lol. You don’t slip on those words. No worries all! I didn’t leave him hanging. As I think I’ve told you before I’ve been wanting to say it, but I wasn’t sure if it was okay, if I was ready to say it, but then he said it, which meant I could say it. He’s so cute, his face always looks so excited when he says it.
• Without my prompting, the other night boyfriend and I were drinking at a friend’s party and he goes “I need to start working out. I can lose weight really quickly if I just work out. Now that I’ve met someone who loves me for me I can get all buff. Will you still love me when I’m all buff and ripped?” So, I’m excited that he’s going to try to get healthy, and I didn’t have to ask him to or anything.

Other thoughts:

• I’ve been freaking out about my weight lately. I’m at 120 right now, I want to be 100, the smallest I’ve been is 109. It’s been hard because walking and cardio is painful with my ankle being sprained. And yeah, I can do calisthenics, but that doesn’t do much to actually burn fat. So, I’m going back to cutting my caloric intake down big time until I can start exercising again.  I’ve been drinking a lot of water because of the show, but I’ve also been craving soda and juice lately which I know is the worst because we forget the calories that are in beverages pretty quickly. Like, I already feel guilty for having creamer in my coffee. But I have yet to eat anything so I can’t feel too guilty yet, right?
• I am extremely biased. My biases include : assuming I’m not going to get along well with someone if they are a republican, a christian, or have a southern accent. It’s not that I won’t give these people a chance, but my first impression of them isn’t usually a positive one.
• Saturday was Reno Pride. I marched in the parade, and our show performed a couple songs. Then I took a nap and went and performed the play that night, and then went out to a gay bar where I had to be rescued from a girl who wouldn’t stop dancing with me or staring at my boobs (and I was dressed fairly conservatively). Also got stopped by an SUV who wanted to pick me and a friend up as prostitutes (um, no), a guy we couldn’t understand was offering or asking for something at a gas station we stopped out so my friend said “I’m gay, so no thanks”, we saw a who block sidewalk covered with homeless people sleeping in sleeping bags, we went to a not gay friendly bar for about 15 minutes and got stared at, it was an interesting night.
• It’s almost Burning Man time!!! So excited and scared at the same time. I just want to wear lace shirts and dresses the whole time. I wonder if I’d get a lace tan. Would that look funny or cute? Duhno!